July 02, 2008
So the big news is hitting the wires...a group of Colombian hostages, including Ingrid Betancourt and three American defense contractors, have been rescued by the Colombian military. This is great news! Of course, everyone who has a stake in Colombia will have some thoughts on this development...
Alvaro Uribe: Hot damn! Talk about timing. Now I can get that constitutional amendment passed for a third term no problem. Hell, they'll probably even want to just make me president for life or something. Viva Uribe!
Everyone Else in Colombia: Oh shit, now Uribe will probably try and make himself president for life or something.
Hugo Chavez: I guess that $300 million I supposedly gave the FARC sure as hell didn't help them LEARN HOW TO HIDE HOSTAGES BETTER!
George W. Bush: Does this mean we can't invade Venezuela?
John McCain: Does this mean we can't invade Venezuela?
Rafael Correa: Does this mean we can bomb Colombian territory without asking them first?
Barack Obama: How can I work "Yes, we can!" into a speech about this?
Christopher Walken in that Amazing SNL Skit: I need more cowbell! I've got a fever for more cowbell!
The FARC: Seriously, we're not very good at this guerilla warfare stuff. Che made it sound eaaaaasy...
The Right-Wing Paramilitary Death Squads: See Alvaro Uribe.
We kid. We're happy that their ordeal is over, and we imagine they're even happier.